I Miss Writing and Reading

As some of you may know, I am currently in my fourth year of university and socially, it's been amazing! My main friend group is legit and encouraging, not only have we been able to continue to experience this journey together, but we've  also been able to make new friends, who are just so funny and interesting. It's so cool to experience the many personalities that God has created, which has been such a blessing!

Spiritually, within these past couple of weeks, I feel that God continues to wreck me, teaching me something new and profound. Many of my weekends/weeks consist of worship, listening/attending sermons, and dwelling in an atmosphere of community and fellowship, which is SO GOOD!!! I am absolutely loving it! 

Academically, not so much. I'm not saying that I haven't prayed about my work or the things I'm learning in the classroom; I'm saying I'm just not enjoying the work.

Granted, I love to learn and the material is interesting and challenging, but I can't find myself to completely dedicate my mind to it fully. I find myself distracted or unmotivated-- unwilling to take the time to sit and read or write about the ideas/concepts discussed in the written work. 

Now from the title of this blog post, you may have gotten the idea of what this is about and I am not blaming the amount of homework, material, and/or professors-- I'm actually very thankful of it all because it is what is expected of me as an English Major. The work and material that I am given is what equips me to gain the knowledge and understanding of the degree I will be receiving this upcoming Spring. But this year, out of all years, something feels different.

I keep pushing my school work to the last minute trying to finish assignment late into the night. I spend hours trying to read a literary work, which is just about 5-10 pages long (and that's small for English majors) and my writing-- OMG-- don't get me started about the paper writing. I feel like such a FAILURE in writing papers this semester!! But in the midst of all of the work and deadlines, I sometimes forget why I decided to do it in the first place.

So, I think back to where it all began. I think about the moments when I could write and read when I wanted to because I WANTED to-- which was A LOT! The reason WHY I wanted to be an English major. But now, I guess, because I HAVE to read and write there's an expectation of requirements. Sure, this may sound like I'm whining and you may be thinking that if I don't want to read or write, why am I currently writing this blog post... My answer to you is: "because I want to." I hope that doesn't come off as offensive, but I miss having my own requirements. 

The opportunity to do something so minuscule, such as writing and reading that brings me so much joy to which I've realized, I haven't been able to do. Writing and reading has currently been associated with the feeling of anxiety and fear because I always think that it's going to be paired with a due date or a certain way in which it's supposed to be written, such as worrying about other aspects of how I'm supposed to write a paper: syntax, structure, argument, and content. Having to read and write constantly for my whole academic career has numbed me. I have forgotten that writing, for me, is a place where I can find freedom in doing whatever I want-- maybe not to the extent of which usage of "there/their/they're" I'm supposed to use (and there is supposed to be a specific one depending on its usage), but the kind of freedom that reminds me of why I started to read and write in the first place.

Freedom in writing is creating a story and not knowing where in the world its going to go. Writing is part of the creative process that has so much color, chaos, and enriching amounts of imagination. It is the kind of joy that the Lord allows us to run freely in without judgement and fear. It's a kind of freedom that I dearly miss. Although I may not achieve anything from writing this, I found myself sitting at my desk with a strong desire to... write. 

So, for the sake of my sanity, I hope you enjoyed reading just a glimpse of what I'm going through at the moment and, please, pray for me!